Just start typing

It's definitely been awhile since I've written anything on here. I've had multiple thoughts within these past couple of weeks that I have wanted to discuss, express, write about, etc. But as I sit here, I just can't think of what they were. I'm sure as I continue to write, it will come to me. I've continued to keep up on my friend's blogs and for some, what they've been up to lately. It amazes me that there are so many of you out there who continue to write religiously. I've tried to do that, but I just can't seem to sit down to do it. For me, I guess, it seems that I'm looking at it as a chore. Where as I'm sure for others, those who write everyday, it's nothing like that at all. It's very therapeutic, a hobby, something along those lines that gives them the motivation to write everyday. I guess I'm still new to this. I'm still trying to process the notion that this blog is for me. A way for me to just write and let loose.

I've been really busy lately. It's definitely a change. I've taken that year off after graduation to relax, have fun, and kick it. Now it's back to being in a constant move. I started my job working with the U.S. Census Bureau this past week. Putting in a 40-hour week is something I haven't done in awhile. It feels good though. I'm happy to be back on the move and busy. With this position, I'm getting paid to walk around the city verifying addresses for the 2010 Census. A big reason why I took this position was not because of the pay and hours, but I would be getting exercise every day. Definitely something I've been lacking for quite awhile, haha. We were able to do a trial run out in the field on our last day of training. If that day was anything like what we're gonna be doing on the regular, this job is gonna be legit. I'm going to be able to talk to people in the community and just have simple conversation. Although I may not be that inviting of a person when they look at me through their peephole, I'm able to neutralize the situation with a smile and an upbeat welcome. It's like breaking people down, a challenge trying to get them to talk. Even if its just a simple answer. There are a lot of people out there who have their own opinions on what's going on in the world today, and I know they want to share that with others. With me working for the government, people automatically assume that I know everything about what's going on and that I'm on the other side. I've gotten yelled at, ridiculed, embraced, etc. It's interesting yall... quite interesting.

I'm still tutoring at the middle school. Monday through Thursday, after I do the Census shindigg. It's getting a lot easier to talk with the students. I'm able to just be even more laid back, and they can sense that. They've opened up and have some pretty intense conversations. Although they are nine years younger than I am, I forget that they are old enough to know certain things. They think they know everything actually. The shit that comes out of their mouths sometimes though... damn, you wouldn't believe. I can't help but shake my head sometimes. I find myself having to restrict my thoughts to them. They're just not old enough for what I have to say sometimes. They're still young and learning. Despite helping them and giving them tips, they still disregard what is being taught to them sometimes because they want to learn it themselves. I've said the line, "I told you so.." plenty of times already. It makes me laugh.

I've been able to hang out with my pops this past month. He's back from the Philippines for a few months to visit and handle some stuff. Before he got here, I was not happy or sad about him coming back. The relationship with my father is something I've continued to work on the past few years. After having gone through what we went through for those few years was something that I will never forget, and will learn from for the rest of my life. For two years of my life, I didn't have a father. I mean, he was there... but not to me. I didn't speak to him, see him, talk about him for nearly two and a half years. It was my sister, who pleaded with my brother and I, to ammend things with our father. So we did. It's weird now. Our relationship has pretty much completely 180d. I have never been so honest and care free with my pops. He knows the things I do, and yet I continue to be honest. I've come to terms that he really can't say shit to me when I do things. Although we never have talked about those empty years, he knows that I was able to accomplish great things while we were on our hiatus. The other day, we were in the car on our way to my Grandma's house. We were talking about his business in the Philippines and how it was going. He was looking out the window when this happened. He stopped talking, and said, "Jhustin, I'm proud of you..." I didn't say thank you, or anything to continue the conversation. It just struck me. I had worked so hard in college for him to say that. I was ready to send him my graduation ticket through the mail. Just the ticket in an envelope. It was all ready to go. But two weeks before gradutation is when we reconciled. Him saying that to me for some reason, made me not care much for it. I knew he had to be proud of me. I had done everything in my power for him to say it, but it didn't matter. I've been confused as to really why I have those feelings. I guess it's just one of those things where I can forgive, but never forget... I'm still working on it.

I've been trying something new lately. Finding motivation everywhere you go. And I mean EVERYWHERE. For me, its along the lines of staying positive and optimistic. It sounded real corny when I was trying to explain it to my brother, then again he can be a dick at times, ha. Through conversations with others, through watching things on TV, through reading, seeing art, etc. I've thought into depth about certain things and have tried to find a way for that 'thing' to motivate me. I was driving by the park down the street and a little league game just ended. One of the little boys was crying at his car. I could hear his dad talking to him while I was at the stop light. His pops was telling him that as long as he tried his hardest, he wasn't going to be mad at him one bit. "But I tried really hard to hit the ball but I couldn't do it..." Straight from a movie right?? Haha. Motivation right there son! Just try hard and no one can really be mad at you. Motivation to try hard in everything that I do on the daily. I try hard to make my family happy, I try hard to make myself happy, I try hard to make those around me happy. At the end of the day, as long as I tried to my full extent, it's pretty much what anyone could ask for. I've gotten to the point where I am just trying to stay motivated every way possible. Stepping out of my comfort zone of constant motivation (friends in Irvine), I've found it hard sometimes to keep on track. Little things like this have helped me through this process.

"Who so ever desires constant success, must change their conduct with the times"

Peace easy!!