this is my mic, this is my beef

This has the potential to be a long entry...

I was able to watch America's Got Talent and only caught the end of it. This fella had a deep ass voice. He talked about how much he loved to sing and that this moment would be the greatest platform that he would ever perform on. He killed it. The crowd loved him, the judges loved him, shit I was sitting down clapping giving him props. He started to cry. For some reason this happened to be one of those moments where I was sitting on the couch studying the reactions of not only the performer but those around him. The judges were so proud of him. The crowd was ecstatic. He was happy. You could tell that he gave everything he had. So much passion and charisma while on stage. The judges continued to say how proud they were... Hmm... That word 'proud'. There have been countless times where I have sat back and been proud of someone. Whether it was my brother winning a medal in little league back in the day, my sister going through pledgeship for a Filipino sorority, new Brothers crossing, my friends getting the courage to dance on stage, friends making people laugh, friends speaking their mind through poetic raps... or even young cats crossing this masking tape of a line on the floor. Proud. The judges said they were proud of him. I was proud of him and I didn't even know the guy. I smiled. I sat on the couch and was smiling for hella long. I was happy. Happy for him, but nonetheless happy. This brought me back. I want to be happy by making others be happy? I feel like this is something that everyone wants to do. To me its something more. Something deeper than just making someone smile.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-- Marianne Williamson

It's that bolded sentence. "As we let our own light shine, we unconciously give other people permission to do the same." Helping others realize their potential is definitely something I am passionate about. It's probably why i've dwelled for the longest time on whether or not I would like to be a teacher. That is just one of the many careers I know I could do that would allow me to do these things. I wish I could get a list of all the careers that would allow me to do this consistently. I know someday I will, I just wish something/someone would just point me into the right direction. Now in no way would I try to compare myself to him, but Michael Jackson is quite possibly the epitome of this quote as of now. Ask any person you know that entertains. Anyone. Dancer, singer, musician, etc. They all have had some type of influence from Michael Jackson. He let his own light shine for the world to see, which allowed millions of people from around the world to achieve their own goals and let their own light shine as well. I strive that someday I will find that outlet for me to do the same.

I got home today and checked emails and got one back from Aclipse, then one later on from AEON. It looks like Japan and Korea are a no go for now. 'Korea' simply said they were no longer going to further my application to teach abroad, sorry for this disappointing news, blah blah blah. 'Japan' didn't have any openings for me during this time, straight up. Whether or not I am going to apply again to another agency is still up in the air. I believe things happen for a reason. Does this mean I apply to another program hoping it leads to another position elsewhere? Or does this mean that I put that on the back burner for awhile, and handle shit at home? Or do I say fuck it, it wasn't meant to be and don't even think about it again? I have no idea. I'm leaning towards the second one right now. Not having to think about leaving the country in a couple of months kind of puts me at ease. I didn't plan on this whole job situation being so shitty for so long. This gives me a sense of relief now. Knowing that I am not leaving in a few months can now give me that peace of mind when trying to find a position. This whole time, I was trying to find a gig that I could just have and not worry about it leading to something better. I was afraid that if I landed a job that did, I would be even more apprehensive about leaving. I felt that I would back out because i'd get comfortable and content.

So where does that leave me? I guess you can say that I am at the low point of this cosine graph of life. The valley between the highs and happiness. These emails didn't bring me to this point. It added to the fire of a lot of things: family, the job hunt, finances, and me. This is just a MOMENT. I will not dwell in this for too long. Sarah helped me realize earlier that this is just one of those moments where I need to gather myself, get the energy and motivation again to put my head down and move forward. To get back on track of remaining optimistic and positive w/ a focused mindset. Doing so takes a lot out of a person. Having that drive constantly challenges me everyday. It's difficult to remain so optimistic, so positive. It's a challenge. A challenge I enjoy taking on everyday. I enjoy it because I feel like I better myself by the end of the day. I am able to instill in my own life the great characteristics I have, but also characteristics of those who have influenced me. By the time I put my head down for that habitual long blink, I can say to myself that I did. I went through the day making progress. A progress that seems to be slow as fuck, but a progress nonetheless.

As of now, I have an opportunity in front of me. I'm doing the steps necessary to achieve this goal. It will allow me to share with others who I am. It will allow others to share with me, who they are. An exchange of motivation if you will. An exchange of perspectives. To be able to go on an adventure and have this chance to "seek the stories of individuals who have chosen to live life based on what they're passionate about. And from these stories, I hope to be inspired to define my own road in life by truly following what lights me up."

Thank your family and friends. Continue to thank those who constantly urge you to better yourself everyday. Those who infuse motivation and support. Without them, life would be even more difficult than it is. We are blessed...